Maybe Not Then
by ijustlovemesomefriedchicken
Summary: If Fanfiction had a behind the scenes, this would be it.
1. Chapter 1

**Since Insanity was so short, here's some shit I wrote at like three in the morning. (:**

**(and was meant to upload like two days ago...sorry, so much homework!)**

"Phil, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Dan, this better not be more bullshit!"

"It's not!" he called back.

I sighed, abandoning Tumblr to go through to the kitchen yet again to see what his lordship wanted this time; he held up two packets, one in each hand.

"Maceroni or lasange?" he beamed.

I scowled. "Was that _it_?!"

I turned to leave, but before I could even fully face away from him, he'd grabbed my waist. "Don't leave me," he whispered, pleading with his eyes as well as his words.

"What the fuck, Dan?"

"I've tried to tell you the last five times I called you in here for random reasons and I just- I just...I can't!" he wailed as he fled the room, sobbing.

Then he was back to take totoro from the fridge and throw him at me.

Then he ran away again.

Then he was back, embarrassment flooding his face as he returned for the ice cream. As soon as he had it in his grasp he started to dramatically sob again and continued his strop.

I sighed; I knew what this was.

I decided I'd go after him, since this fic would be pretty damn boring if I didn't go after the howelling Dan, now wouldn't it? Absolutely no pun intended whatsoever. We all want to see what the drama queen wanted to say even though 90% of you have already guessed, haven't you? Yeah, don't bullshit me.

I knocked on his door. "Hey Dan, stop being so dramatic, it's just a bit OTT, y'know?"

He poked his head around the door, "Was it that bad? Too much?"

"Both," I replied.

"Well, I just wanted to say that I love you Phil, and I have since the moment I layed my eyes on yo-"

"Oh please, is that cheesy shit really the best you can do? Delia freaking Smith could do better than that while making sushi. Gotta do better than that, Howell."  
He stood there, shocked to the core at my unexpected reply. "B-but! But! I've just sacrificed every ounce of my dignity, not to mention our friendship, to tell you how much I LOVE you and I want you to be my boyfriend! Fuck Phil, this is the bit where you've to run off screaming how much I can't possibly love someone as worthless as you and try to comit suicide or something!"

"Oops, must've forgotten my lines again," I rolled my eyes.

"You should know by now, Phil; every good fanficition needs passion, drama, romance and of course two devilishly handsome young males such as ourselves to have sexy times."

"I don't love you," I smirked.

"Don't fuck this up, Phil!"

"I don't. I'm sorry, but fanfiction is what the thirteen year olds that don't smoke weed do because they have no lives. You know that and I know that."

"I mean it, don't do thi-"

"I'm done. I'm gonna go have a threesome with PJ and Chris for some other lunatic's fanfiction because this one sucks dick."

"You leave me no choice, I'll have to-"

"Rape me? Get me sunburned so you can eat me? Feed my cheese? Murder me?"

"I just want you...so badly," Dan growled, suddenly unable to control himself, but of course I don't know this because I'm ovbiously in denial at this part of the story. And with that I was pulled into the 'love of my life's' room and harshly thrown on his bed where we got each other wet and when we were done our thumbs were so sore they could've fallen off.

Yeah, we played Crash Bandicoot so hard our thumbs were numb and we had to both lie back on his bed, panting and sweating.

"We're never doing this again."

"Agreed."

***cries* **


	2. Chapter 2

**I have no idea, I'm still just shocked I can write smut. **

I wake up next to Phil. Wait, what am I doing in his bed? Who am I kidding, I know fine-well what I'm doing in his bed, and so do you.

Phil stirs and turns round to face me, feigning surprise as he covers his bare chest with the duvet. I sigh, "That was terrible acting, do we have to go back to acting classes and I bang you against a wall when you fail the class again?"

"That was a terrible story idea," Phil sighs. I have to nodd in agreement.

"So let me guess, we got abslutely pissed last night, I should have a hammering headache because I drank far too much, you brought me home and then we fucked?"

"Basically, yeah."

"And now you're hiding secret and forbidden feelings for me because you're embarrased that you secretly enjoyed our little one night stand."

I pull out a script from under my pillow. "Lemme check...uh...huh...past that bit...yeah, yeah I have. And then I start cutting because of it and I commit suicide. Well that's nice."

"Well, when you do go to top yourself I promise I won't let you dangle as long as I did last time," Phil smiles.

"You better not, you bastard."


	3. Chapter 3

I pushed Dan against a wall, trying to be all assertive and shit. "Where's my cereal you _bitch_?"

Dan moaned. "I don't have a fucking clue, just do that again."

I looked down and seen Mr Boner popping up and making a tent in Dan's sinfully tight jeans. "Bonjour, Phil!" it cried.

"Since when is your boner French?"

Dan shrugged.

I leaned into the nape of his neck and whispered sexually, "You weren't even meant to get hard you little shit."

"Your mum," Dan groaned.

I slapped his face. "I'll hit you again with my banana sloth!"

"I'll hang your pancake on the grass weed!"

"What's this fic for anyway?"

"I don't know, some stupid American called Brit or something," Dan shurgged. "Can you push me again please?"

"Your mum."

**Love you Brit :D ...**

**Anyone else is also welcome to request a chapter, I'm all open to ideas! And so are Dan and Phil... ;) **


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is for Moonfruit Infusion (I totes heart yur name gurl) I hope this is kinda good maybe a little bit possibly. **

"Hey Dan. Hey. Hey. Hey, hey Dan!" I shouted as I ascended the ridiculous amount of stairs, crossed the corridor and entered his room where he was still half-sleeping, waving another sheet of paper.

He realised exactly what it was clutched in my hand as he groaned and rolled back over. "Nooo.." he moaned sleepily.

"We get to argue in it?" I tried to persuade him.

"Over what?"

"Your stupid boner interrupts us and you get mad at it and then I apologise to you."

Dan raised an eyebrow, "Fucking twelve year-olds man."

* * *

Later that day said sex was taking place in the bath- I don't know, okay, as the twelve year old what they get up to in the bath, their story might just be similar- and I would be lying if I said I wasn't particularly enjoying it, but of course I had to give Dan to queue to let his boner interrupt us by loudly shouting.

"Zut! Zut! Pourquoi ferais-tu cela? Pourquoi ferais-tu CELA?!"

I frowned. "What's it saying?"

Dan shrugged as he got off of my naked frame, snapping, "What am I, a French teacher?"

"Sorry, I-"

"No, say it again, I wasn't feeling it. And neither was he," he motioned South with his eyes.

I rolled mine. "Sorry Dan, I just, I'm really-"

"Save it," Dan stated before he walked out.

"Oi, bitch!"

He retraced his steps and stuck his head back around the door, bending backwards to see round it."Yeah cockslut?"

"Malteasers in the cupboard."

"Get them in me now."

"Oh I'm sure we can find more than one way of doing that, Danny boy," I purred.

**I FEEL AS IF I'VE WRITTEN SMUT WHEN TECHNICALLY I HAVEN'T BUT OMF I FEEL DIRTY IM GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER AND WATCH SUPERNATURAL/BREAKING BAD**

**BUT FIRST. **

**I HAVE THE MEMORY OF A SQUIRREL WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS IDK. I forgot who I've replied to and who I haven't, so here's a little...bit. No, not a bit that sounds- anyway. **

**Thanks to Midnight4568 for reviewing on every chapter, I appreciate it my lovely. :3**

**also to JustGoogleIt yup, that's pretty much what I think everytime I write one too but it's more along the lines of 'wtf am I doing with my lyf'. Thanks for reviewing anyway. :D**

**and again, suggestions are more than welcome! **


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